Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Courtrooms, remotes, and vapors...

Unreal. It is simply unreal to think back and realize another year of my life is history. I will never have those days again... they are GONE forever. Of course, it's that way every single day of my life, but there's just something about a year marker, like New Year's or a birthday, to bring it all into perspective.

It's times like these, when I take a glance back over my life, that I find myself once again in my own courtroom. Ever been in your own courtroom? I have many, many times. It's a bit ironic how I am the plaintiff, the prosecutor, the judge, and the jury all wrapped up into one person. I examine, cross-examine, deliberate, and judge myself in this secret, hidden place in my mind. But there's one person in my courtroom that I am not... I am not the witness. Those on the witness stand in my courtroom are the ones I live with, the ones I effect on a daily basis, the ones I love the most... my family and my friends. How have I made a difference in their lives? What good things have I done? What bad things have I done? How could I improve? Who have I hurt, who have I helped, when could I have gone the extra mile instead of sitting down? Are my victories outweighed by my failures? I have looked, I have listened, and I have reached a verdict yet again...


I am a human being, born under the curse of sin, in need of a Savior, just like everyone else in this world. I am not happy with my mistakes, I have regrets, there are things I wish I could go back and undo, erase, and start all over again. But unfortunately, we are all bound to an infinite, unmovable, unchangeable force in this life called time.

But how wonderful to know that the Creator of time itself is on my side. How wonderful that there is yet another Witness on that stand in my courtroom. How wonderful that I have a loving, merciful Savior. It's then that I realize the verdict isn't guilty... but forgiven.

If only the sea of forgetfulness existed in our world. I have longed for a delete button and made joking references to such on Facebook throughout the past few months or so. Wouldn't it be great to have a remote that we could use to pause, fast forward, rewind, or record over in our lives? But I guess if we had one of those, then we'd never learn a single lesson. No... we don't need to forget. We need to remember. It's in our memories that we truly learn about life. There just has to be a healthy balance somehow in remembering and not beating yourself up over your memories. There has to be a way to remember without pain. There has to be a way to focus on the good times instead of the bad.

So... I just took a deep breath in and let it out here... I will look ahead to this fresh new year of life I have been given today. It's wrapped all perfect and pretty, untarnished, no smudges or stains yet. The only uncertain thing is how long this gift will last. James said it really well... "Whereas you know not what shall be tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor, that appears for a little time, and then vanishes away." (James 4:14, KJV)

May I live this life to the fullest... in His will, in His Word, and in His way.


  1. God is the God of all healing...and the healthiest place to be is when we allow His healing to help us forgive ourselves. His mercies are renewed Every Morning!

  2. This is one of the best writings about self-perspective I've ever read. And I've read a lot.

  3. Awesome thoughts Jennifer. What a writer you are. Got a book in the making?

  4. Thanks, Annette! I love reading your blog as well. It reminds me of riding in the car with you, that's when we used to have all those deep dicussions. How I miss those days. :( I have actually started a sort of book, lol. No idea if it will come to fruition, just a bunch of random ideas about the other side (and dangers, even) of being raised in church. Life lessons. That sort of thing. Love you!!!